how to not give a fuck
why most people don't know what they care about
here's the uncomfortable truth: most people have never sat down and decided what actually matters to them. they inherited their values from parents, absorbed them from culture, or adopted them from whoever was loudest in the room.
you're running someone else's operating system. you're giving fucks about things that were never yours to give a fuck about in the first place — your cousin's opinion of your career, a promotion you don't even want, a body standard designed to sell you protein powder.
the first step in not giving a fuck isn't apathy. it's clarity. you can't stop caring about the wrong things until you know what the right things are.
the why behind the why
when you say "i want to make more money," ask yourself why. security? freedom? status? each answer leads somewhere different.
keep pulling the thread. "i want security" — why? "because i grew up without it" — why does that matter now? "because i never want my kids to feel that fear."
now you're somewhere real. now you've found a value worth organizing your life around: providing safety for people you love. that's a fuck worth giving.
this isn't some corporate mission statement exercise. it's the difference between spending your energy on things that fulfill you and spending it on things that drain you. most burnout isn't from working too hard. it's from working hard on shit that doesn't matter to you.
the subtraction method
most self-help tells you to add — add goals, add habits, add morning routines. this philosophy starts with subtraction.
grab a piece of paper. write down everything you currently spend emotional energy on. your job. your relationship. your appearance. social media. what your neighbors think. your fantasy football league. that argument from 2019 you're still replaying.
now cross off everything that, if you're being brutally honest, doesn't actually make your life better or align with who you want to be. not what society says should matter. not what your parents say. what you say.
what's left? that's your short list. that's where your fucks belong.
the stoic philosopher seneca wrote: "it is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a great deal of it." he wasn't talking about time management. he was talking about attention management. your attention is your life.
a practical exercise
try this for one week: every time you feel a strong emotional reaction — anger, anxiety, jealousy, resentment — pause and ask one question: "is this on my short list?"
if it's not, notice how much energy you were about to spend on something you've already decided doesn't matter. that noticing is the practice. you won't be perfect at it. the point isn't perfection. the point is awareness.
marcus aurelius, the roman emperor and stoic philosopher, kept a private journal where he reminded himself daily of what mattered and what didn't. he ran an empire and still needed the reminder. you probably do too.
write your short list somewhere you'll see it. phone wallpaper. bathroom mirror. tattoo it if you want. the more you see it, the easier it becomes to filter out the noise.
when priorities change
your short list isn't carved in stone. what matters at 22 won't be what matters at 40. a health scare reshuffles everything. so does becoming a parent, losing someone, or waking up one morning and realizing you've been living someone else's life.
the point isn't to find your values once and cling to them forever. that's just a different kind of rigidity. the point is to check in regularly — honestly, without judgment — and ask: "is this still true for me?"
non-attachment doesn't mean not caring. it means not clinging. hold your values firmly but not with a death grip. let them evolve as you evolve.
defining what's important isn't a one-time event. it's an ongoing conversation with yourself. and it's the foundation everything else in this guide builds on. without it, you're just randomly assigning fucks, and there are never enough to go around.